Big D is 12 Today

Wow I feel old today - Big D turned 12. It's amazing to me. It's so hard to believe that I have a 12 year old - I'm only 28 (Yeah that's right I would have been 16 if I had given birth). I admit I struggle to connect with Big D. A lot has to do with my mother in law. I'm learning to change what I can and accept what I can't. Life is too short to be bitter right?

I am going to rant for a minute about today. My mil is having pizza and a special dessert for Big D tonight at their house. This is after I had already planned a family meal - but of course my got cancelled. What makes me the most upset is that when Lil P turned 2 she didn't get him a gift or acknowledge in anyway it was his birthday - which is fine but treat them the same.

I guess I just don't get how someone can love one child more than another. I'm just so so thankful to have my parents and know that they honestly and truly treat both boys the same. Papa has an extra special place in his heart for Lil P and I'm glad he has that.

I look at both my boys and they are both so so different it's crazy. Who would have thought that two boys could be polar opposites. Big D is shy, tender hearted, gets into trouble, doesn't listen most of the time, but overall a good kid. Lil P is so out spoken, never quiet about anything, a dare devil, strong willed, loves his mommy and he too is a great kid.

Happy Thanksgiving

I just wanted to take a quick moment and wish everyone a happy thanksgiving and also give a little update on us since it has been so long.

Lil P is doing good. We have had some sleeping/temper tantrum/day care issues but thankfully they seem to all be working out. Lil P has slept gone to bed before midnight for two nights in a row! I'm so happy. He was always such an awesome sleeper - he slept thought the night at 6 weeks and we never had problems until he turned 2... isn't that crazy. Well I'm just happy it is finally a phase that is passing.

Lil P will be switching to an in home sitter shortly. I'm excited. He had been on the waiting list ever since we got the call. Thankfully things just worked out and she was able to squeeze him in. He will have two other little boys who are the same age - one who is just two months older and the other who is 5 months older.

I was a little disappointed at the reaction that I got from the daycare center he currently attends. The one owner said she understood and was very very nice - the other is refusing to say anything to me. She also started telling people that it's ok Lil P is leaving he didn't like to follow the rules anyway. What? He just turned 2 last month - what kind of rules do you expect him to follow? I personally think he does a good job for his age. He sits in time out if you put him there, he sits at the table and uses his fork and spoon by himself, he drinks from a cup, he tells you when he needs his diaper changed, he picks up his toys when you tell him, he will follow directions - I just don't get what he isn't doing. They have always said he is the best behaved little guy and he always listens and never gets into trouble and now this? I don't get it. I think it was just too much to go from the baby side to the side that has all the other kids up to school age. That's just too much for him.

I know Lil P is going to miss some of the staff there and I'm sure he will miss some of the other kiddos too. I'm hoping the transition will go well.

That's about the only major thing happening in our house. My husband is attending more training for his new job. He is in the process of changing jobs - same place just different location and job duties. It started off as a cross training opportunity that he fell in love with and well the rest is history. I'm just happy that he is so happy with his job. He has been working there for 16 years and it's great to see him excited about work again.

I'm still in school too - hopefully I'll be all finished up with my marketing degree in July. It's a little later than I planned but I took some time off after the miscarriage and I'm glad I did.

Oh I have had some people ask about the weight issue - it's still a losing battle. I've gained 10 lbs since September... not exactly a speedy process. My weight still fluctuates a lot. I'm going next week to have my thyroid checked again - I have been on thyroid medication for the last 11 years. I go every 3 months but the dosage hasn't changed since I was pregnant so I doubt it will now.

My husband and I are still trying to decide if we should adopt again or pursue infertility treatments. Since the weight is continuing to be a huge stumbling block, we are leaning more towards adoption. But then you figure in the emotional side of adoption and we go back to infertility. I know infertility stuff - I can handle those ups and downs because I know what to expect - I've been there done that. Adoption I have no control over - that's hard for me. I was able to give it all to God with Lil P's adoption and I just hope if we go the path of adoption again I can do that once more.

Best wishes and happy thanksgiving

Two

My little guy turn two a week ago already. I still can't believe his is two already. He sleeps in a big boy bed, picks out his pj's at night (mostly Handy Manny - with some Diego to spice things up), he drinks from a cup without mommy's help, he says please and thank you, talks non-stop about everything, he can count to 10 with mommy's help, he knows his colors, and he says in the sweetest voice - I love you.

Where did time go? Seems like it was only yesterday we were in the hospital waiting for his arrival. Time just seems to be going so fast lately. I honestly can't imagine my life without Lil P in it - I honestly don't remember what I used to do before he came along.

I wouldn't change anything about the way I became a mom - never. I still have moments where I can't believe that God provided for us like he has. We are so lucky - we both have good stable jobs, a nice home, money in our bank accounts, parents who support and love us. It's hard sometimes to appreciate the small stuff. I admit that sometimes I look past the little stuff when I am focusing on the big stuff. I don't know how adoption is going to impact Lil P's life, I don't know how Big D's mom leaving is going to impact his life either, I don't know if we will ever get pregnant or adopt again - but I am determined to not focus on those things any more than I have to.

The older Lil P gets the more I want to make his life as normal as possible. Take for example yesterday at my husband's grandma's funeral - we were eating lunch at a table with my husband, myself, Lil P, my husband's great aunt B and a distant cousin. My husband's great aunt B is a little odd, she means well but she is loud and just different. Her husband died about 20 years ago and they had no kids so my husband's family is her family.

Well back to my story we were sitting at the table and Great Aunt B proceed to tell the distant cousin what a great eater Lil P is and has always been. Now I must also tell you that almost all the little kiddos in the family avoid Great Aunt B, but not Lil P - he always runs up and hugs her... something no one can figure out. Well about middle way through lunch she says out of the blue "they adopted Lil P" "they were picked because A(me) was tall just like his mom" "they got him right away". I just sat there... I had no clue what to say. I guess I just realized again that no matter how hard I want my boys to have a normal life like I did and my husband did growing up - that just isn't going to happen. I guess we just make our own normal. It's those unexpected comments that get me the most, you would think after two years I wouldn't be so surprised anymore.

A video

So for the first time ever I am going to (ok try to) publish a video from our weekend trip to Kansas. In my defense I thought my husband was taking a picture - I didn't know it was a video till I downloaded the pictures today.

Just mostly wanted to see if this worked... let me know what you all think.

Do you ever just sometimes feel different?

I do. I admit it. I often feel like I don't fit in. I accept that my life is different than most - I get it - but sometimes it makes me think.

Physically speaking I have always stood out or maybe I should say above. I've always been the tallest girl around (I'm 6'2) and I've always been skinny. That's just who I have been - no trying to be different or regretting it - it's just the way God made me.

After high school I married at the age of 19 my high school boyfriend C. I left a year later with just the clothes I was wearing and my car. It was a very bad situation which I'll blog about later. But yet again here I was not even 21 and divorced... again very different than everyone else.

Now fast forward to marrying my husband. I then became a step mom at 21 to a little boy who was only 15 years younger than me. I then again became different, my friends still we in college and single and defiantly not close to being a mom yet alone a mom to a kiddo entering school.

My husband and I then tried to get pregnant - it didn't work then. I then became a slim statics - a 21 year old healthy girl who couldn't get pregnant. The odds of that happening are slim to none. But again not for me.

Then in 2006, we entered the wild and wacky world of adoption. Although adoption is everywhere it seems to no be so much in our rural area. Thus again we are different than the Jones down the road.

It all hit me last night for some reason. I know that God has a reason and a plan for all this but gosh sometimes I just want to say enough is enough.

My ex-husband's new wife is running for a political office in our county. Her signs are up everywhere. I expected that. I just didn't expect it to be in some of my friends yards. My ex-husband and his wife are always at my grandma's house after my grandfather passed away last month. Half the time I drive out there they are there, so I just drive by and don't stop. Then I get slack from her for not stopping. It's a no win situation.

My husband is diabetic. He was diagnosed three years ago. He is on an insulin pump and his doctors for some reason made adjustments to it and are making his blood sugars go up instead of down. I think sometimes they just like to push buttons on the machine. They want him to lose weight - one time his weight is fine and the next they want him to lose 10 lbs. It frustrates him. So here I am trying to gain weight, he needs to lose weight and our boys are stuck in the middle. I feel like a short order cook in my own kitchen most days.

We haven't heard anything from T & C since June. Lil P's birthday is next month so I know they will be wanting a visit. That will be the first visit with the new baby J too. I don't know that I can handle seeing him knowing everything I know. My heart breaks for the entire situation. I just want to shake them and say hey don't you get what a precious gift you have been given - don't blow it.

Last Sunday my husband had both boys in the truck along with a friends little guy A who is 7. They were driving to A's house after Big D's football practice and a truck pulled up beside them. It was Big D's biological uncle. He must have just been released from jail - we thought he was still there. He yelled Big D's name out the window. Big D said hey that guy said my name, but A then said no he said "xxx" (similar name) And they dropped it. Well the guy followed my husband for a couple miles then quit.

I am bringing to think I am stuck in a soap opera. My co-workers joke I should write a book or have a lifetime movie based on my life. Sometimes I think they are right. Come on how many people have this much junk in their everyday lives??

My life has defiantly not turned out the way I planned it. But you know what I LOVE my life. I'm glad that God made this path for me. I am a firm believer than things all happen for a reason in life and I know that there is a reason for all this madness. I just need to trust that God will continue to lead me down the right path.

I guess I am the only one

So the Ben & Jerry's diet isn't working the best. I lost a 1/2 a pound over the weekend. I don't get it. Sometimes I wonder why my life has to be so complex. Come on who really has these problems? If someone would have shown me my life when I was 16... I'd have said yeah right and laughed. Boy I had no clue!

I set out this morning to find help for weight gain on the internet. No such luck. I can't even find anything decent out about if a dietitian could help or not. Every where I turn it seems like it says "seek professional medical advice" or "you have an eating disorder". Granted I've had my fair share of people tell me I have to have an eating disorder because no one is that skinny. It always made me so mad and still does. I don't have an eating disorder!!! I eat just like everyone else - sometimes even more.

I can only image what it is like to diet to lose weight - I'm sure it is a million times harder than this. I just get so mad with what people say and think sometimes. It's not just like you wake up one morning and say hey I'm going to change my weight by 30 lbs and boom it's done.

I guess this is just my rant for the day. I'm hoping I find a solution sooner rather than later.

Breath of fresh air

So yesterday I had my annual appointment with Dr. W. Nothing in a million years could have prepared me for yesterday afternoon. For those of you who don't know Dr. W is the doctor who joined Dr. P who was our infertility doctor for many years. Dr. W actually performed the IUI back in March. He is a wonderful doctor who is young, but not too young either. I only mention this because Dr. P was in his 80's and just retired in July. I loved Dr. P - he was a wonderful doctor and I'm sure he is enjoying a much needed retirement.

After all that happened with the miscarriage I knew I needed a new doctor for my annual exams. While getting my hair cut a few months back my hair dresser was talking about what a pain it is to find a doctor in our area. She said that her sister in law who had just had a baby was going to keep her same infertility doctor as her regular female doctor - I said really they do that - she said yes Dr. W does that. Well that was just too much coincidence for me so I decided to call and sure enough Dr. W would be happy to take over my care.

I had my annual appointment yesterday. Let me tell you that my old doctor Dr. N was always out of town, so scheduling was a nightmare - at least 6 months notice was needed. Plus it was guaranteed to take 45 minutes on the phone to make an appointment or change it. She was in a practice of 6 other OB/GYN's and they service a lot of women - basically the only one in the city plus all us rural folks with no one else nearby. Then when you got to your appointment it was guaranteed to take you at least 75% of your day - appointments were always a hour or more behind and then you had to drive to the nearby hospital for any ultra sounds or blood work that may be needed. Don't get me wrong I loved Dr. N and her nurses but after the miscarriage it was just too much. I hated how they push antidepressants, pain killers and sleep medication on me. I never took the antidepressants or the sleep medicine and didn't really have a choice with the pain meds considering how the d&c went. I hated how they made me feel like oh it's no big deal to miscarry lots of people do - you can get pregnant again no big deal.

Well back to yesterday. My appointment was at 1:30 - I was there at 1:15. It takes me an hour and a half to get there - worth every mile. I was the only one in the waiting room and was taken back right away. I started to tear up when I was taken to the exam room - I think it all got to me. I knew they would ask about the miscarriage - they knew and had part of my records. When Dr. W came in the room he said "let it out" I then said "sorry" he said "don't ever let anyone tell you different or make you feel like you don't need to grieve - it's normal - don't keep it bottled up" His nurse M who has been there since we began seeing Dr. P in 2001, said we've all be there and we all cried for you when we found out. Dr. W's wife had a miscarriage two weeks ago - he didn't have to tell me that but he did - it made him more real to me for some reason.

Dr. W he then said that he had looked though my thick file - which we joked about and said he had a plan if we wanted to try again and when we wanted to try. He said that since I got pregnant that I am now in a completely different category and that my chances of another pregnancy are great. I truly could be a success story.

When I came in I weighed in at 139. I'm 6'2. I had lost weight since the miscarriage and hadn't really gained a lot back. Those of you who know me know I should weigh about 250 lbs because of what I eat. I drink regular soda - no diet for me, I eat junk food like crazy (I love potato chips and anything chocolate), I don't exercise like I should (ok is never an option) I'm just the poster child for what not to do. Weight has never been an issue for me and because of that I have HORRIBLE habits I am trying not to pass on to my boys.

Well Dr. W says the first thing is I need to gain at least 30 lbs. I'm sure I had a dumb look on my face - that's about what Lil P weighs... that's a lot. He said I want you to go on the Ben & Jerry diet - it works like this eat breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, a huge dinner, a snack, then before bed sit on the couch have a pint of ben & jerry's with your feet up watching tv - then go straight to bed. I laughed. He then showed me the height and weight charts and said I really need to be at 175. He said that me being underweight may have also contributed to the miscarriage and that when you are underweight you body thinks that you don't have enough fat to support a baby. Which makes sense I was weighing more last spring when the treatment worked. Dr. W thinks that if I gain the weight then I will probably not need the injections - which cause the 4 eggs, which caused 2 to get implanted and when I miscarried the first at about 6 weeks, it tore the second babies placenta which caused the miscarriage at week 10. It still seems crazy to think I was pregnant for 6 weeks with twins!! What in the heck would I have done with twins????

Dr. W then moves on to the breast exam part. For those of you who don't know (and those who are still reading this novel) I am 27 years old and retaliative healthy for the most part. He found a lump. He told me not to worry but he was going to send me over to the specialist for an ultrasound. He asked if I wanted him to try to get me an appointment today. Of course I said yes.... he said he thought I would worry myself too much if he didn't - and you know what he is was right. The rest of the exam when great. And he also shared with me that next time I need to come see him sooner. He said that we will watch you like a hawk - I just smiled. He said that he doesn't know if he could have done anything to prevent the miscarriage that happened but he saw a couple things he didn't like in the chart - I didn't ask what - I don't want to know. I can't do anything about it and I just honestly don't want to be mad about it.

Well I left Dr. W's office happy and feeling so hopeful. He was able to get me in to see the specialist right away and they did the ultra sound - it was a non-cancerous tumor. Apparently they sometimes happen because of fertility drugs and sometimes because of pregnancy hormones and miscarriages. I have to go back in 6 months to see if it has changed and then decide if I want it removed or not. So that scare was over quickly. Looking back I'm so surprised I didn't freak out but I stayed calm... I guess I just knew it would all be ok some how. I was on my way home by 3:30.

This would have never happened at my old doctor's office - never.

On my way home I said a prayer to God. I asked him just as I did before we found out we were matched with Lil P to take control for me and to show me what his will is. I knew God would show me. When I got home I got my mail and there was a magazine from our adoption agency in the mail. These magazines only come a few times a year so seeing on in the mail box was a shock - but on the cover was three triples who were the result of embryo adoption. So who knows what that sign means - anyone?

I do know that my husband and my mom were all so so excited to hear that Dr. W was so hopeful. It was like we had all just moved on thinking it wasn't a possibility when it really is a good shot. I know there are no guarantees in life but I'm starting to think that I need to take more of a leap of faith. I did with our adoption of Lil P and look at how that turned out. I guess I'm still gun shy about both but I need to just keep listening for God to tell me what path to take.